Who in the world wants to be vulnerable and let everyone see all your flaws, fears, and heart aches? Anyone? Anyone?
When you live your life inside a bubble for over a decade and wake up one day realizing that something just doesn’t add up. What am I doing here? Why have I stayed for so long? Why do I feel SO out of my skin in this place?
Deep down inside of me are all these questions and interests. Things I find great joy in and feel IN my skin with. Why did I ever leave those things behind?
I was stripped of them.
If I wanted to be accepted and loved I had to strip myself.. of myself. Then I was told to put on these other interests, I was told my old interests should be ‘burned’ and forgotten about. I was re-taught a new language in a way that this new language became a part of who I was supposed to be. I was being conditioned.
I dared to go against it, I took out a pin and popped the bubble. Just as quickly as I stepped out of the bubble, others were frantically sewing it up behind me.
Now I was entering into a vast universe with lots of questions and excited to get to know everything around me. My language was not only misunderstood, but I was rejected because of it. People were angry with me out here. I tried to re-think my words and learn new vocabulary so I can express what I was meaning so they wouldn’t take my words and understand them in the way they thought I was intending.
I have tried fitting in with other groups, only to discover they didn’t understand me and they rejected me too. People, in general, don’t like when we ask about their faith in ways outside their conditioned scripting. They don’t like when you ask why “this word” isn’t in the Bible, because they would have to answer you with, “It’s just not there.” Then when you ask why they believe in it if it’s not in the bible, they say the bible ‘implies’ that it’s there.
A special knowledge? I thought that was taboo.
But that’s not what I’m wanting to express in this post. So I learned that language, those metaphors, these cliches that I try my best to describe my journey with. Many Christians dislike it, those who don’t believe or follow Christ don’t understand me either. People from all over simply assume what I mean, instead of just asking me to explain it differently. I’ll explain my journey the best I can.
I got a response today on another post. She thought I meant ‘such and such’ which I didn’t mean that way at all. I did the best I could to respond back. I actually agreed with her more than she may have realized, and I told her so. It’s just very difficult for me to express my journey in other lingo. After I responded to her as plainly as I could, with grace and love, I went to a room alone and cried. I cried hard. I wasn’t upset about me, I was grieving that someone else was hurt through the misunderstanding my words had created.
So here I am and I want to be transparent, because I want to be me. I want to be in my own skin, to enjoy my spiritual walkabout with my Creator. My adventure with grace and love. This beautiful universal language that I see people of all kinds of faith talk about. I’m intrigued. Curious. I want to hear about how they came to this revelation of love on the outside of the box I came out of.
But here’s the honest truth about me, I fear I won’t be accepted anywhere with the kinds of questions I have. I don’t mean to sound intrusive, I’m just very curious. I want my full freedom to comment on “this blog” and “that blog” without my friends at “this blog” being upset that they see me commenting also on “that blog”. (Why are they reading over there anyway? Could it be they have the same questions as me? Or are they only reading to use the info as ammunition for their next attack?)
Aren’t we all just a bunch of insecure humans trying to understand ourselves and one another?
Why did I have to be given such a huge portion of curiosity into this thing called spirituality?
Because I woke up.
I don’t mean that to sound arrogant, it’s just how I feel. It’s like I took the Red Pill and I can’t go back to sleep.
So I try my best to express my faith, my spirituality, my walkabout with my Creator. Why? I can’t help it. It’s who I am.
You might find that I use some Christian lingo and some Pagan lingo. Maybe you think I use New Age lingo, or Fairy Tale lingo. I’m just doing the best I can to understand this spiritual life in some of the only ways I understand.
I’m tired of these questions,
Seventh Day Adventist?
Out of your mind?”
Here’s my best answer,
I’m Sisterlisa and I’m on a journey. My own individual walkabout with Love.
So all those things I was stripped of before… I think I shall open that old treasure chest back up and pull some of those things back out and put them back on again. They’re a part of who I am and if I continue to live otherwise, I’ll just be walking around with a costume on. If you don’t like how I describe my journey, you don’t have to read it. If you have genuine curiosity and want to understand me better? Just ask me to clarify. I might mess up by using a lingo you don’t understand, or may have been taught had different meanings that the ones I intend to describe.