Spiritual Abuse Awareness Week

My friend Joy is hosting a link up for you to share your stories of spiritual abuse. Although we have January set aside as Spiritual Abuse Awareness Month, ANY time of year is just fine for raising awareness. In our effort to raise awareness, we aim to see the congregations become healthier. It’s not an opportunity just to bash those we have ill feelings toward, no matter the amount of abuse. The point is not to abuse back, but rather to inspire and promote healing and growth. We want to see healthier relationships.

My story of spiritual abuse is a 15 year trek of my life (plus 2 more years of hard core sorting-out-of-my-baggage) and is found throughout this blog. However, in this post I simply want to address the questions Joy posed in her post.

How has your experience affected you? Although my experience has left me with a deep amount of pain and betrayal, I learned a lot by going through the toxicity. I’ve always been hopeful that any negative experience I go through could be used to help someone else. So I turned my pain around and began the Spiritual Abuse Awareness page on Facebook and have written about it extensively here on my blog, our Spiritual Abuse Awareness blog, and as a guest blogger at Quivering Daughters. The overall experience left me feeling beaten down, feeling worthless, in deep depression, and incredibly alone.

What has it done to you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.? The toxicity of spiritual abuse affected me in several areas. In this post I share a video of a pastor interviewing me about spiritual abuse as well as a link to a study I wrote on the physical affects spiritual abuse does to a victim.

What has your journey been like? My journey to healing and freedom has been a long and arduous one. The thought of writing it all out again in one blog post for this link up leaves me feeling exhausted. I read a lot about spiritual abuse and keep as up to date as possible with the new stories being published online every day. My heart aches for the many victims out there and I do my best to comment wherever I see the topic come up in an effort to simply offer a ‘hand’ and say “You’re not alone.” But the topic is so overwhelming that I usually end up in a depressed state over the few days following anything I read. I have had to take breaks from it all so I can focus on the good things in life.

How have you gotten where you are today? By pushing through it with all my strength. By having the support of the other survivors. By unpacking my toxic baggage and cleaning house in my mind and heart. By blogging about my journey.

Do you feel you’ve healed? I do feel that I’ve healed in a lot of ways, but spiritual, emotional, and mental scar tissue still hurts from time to time.

What do you still struggle with? Currently, the thing I struggle with are some people who pushed me away when I began blogging about spiritual abuse. These people who have been either uninterested in my story, afraid to face the truth of my story (and others like mine), who have ‘rebuked’ victims and survivors for speaking up…only to see them finally admit it but yet STILL ignore those of us who had the courage to speak up about it before they did. To see them garner positive attention for speaking up, but not acknowledging that they too have spiritually abused others along the way. This is still yet another form of spiritual abuse that they perpetuate.

     ”I can’t link to HER story. She doesn’t believe the ‘gospel’ the same way I do.”

     ”I can’t acknowledge HIS story, he’s an atheist now.”

     ”If I link to her story or his story, I could lose my blog following.”

     ”I can’t admit that I’ve been abusive too.”

Well, yes you can! You see, spiritual abuse victims HAVE been spiritually abusive before. Because that’s what we were programmed to do. If we fail to tell this truth then we fail to really teach what spiritual abuse does to people. Spiritual Abuse is a very twisted toxicity that plagues the mind, soul, and affects the body. It alters our thinking, our emotions, and our health suffers. That is bound to manifest in our words and actions (or lack thereof). Sometimes the lack of support or speaking up in an effort to protect victims or halt the abuse IS abusive.

Silence furthers the abuse.

We would still be in denial if we attempt to claim that we’ve only been victims and never been abusive in some degree. Part of healing is admitting all of the awful truth..if not to a group of people, closest family, or even a therapist..at least to ourselves.

Confession is good for the soul. Even if that confession is just between us and God. Then the true healing can begin.

I know that Rachel and Joy understand spiritual abuse, although I’m not sure how in depth they have suffered. However, they have a large audience and I’m thankful they have dedicated their blog space to raise awareness of this very important problem. I know the depth of my experience and that of several others, whose stories made national news. Just when you think you’ve heard the worst, trust me…there are even worse stories out there.

Many of us can spot spiritual abuse in it’s beginning stages, whereas others might not recognize it until a teenager gets raped or molested. Sadly, some still don’t recognize it even in the face of undeniable evidence.

But don’t let that stop you from speaking up, becoming more aware, and offering support to the millions out there who still suffer in silence.

Please join our Facebook page for more support. You’re not alone.

Related Articles:

When it’s your former church that hits the headlines

Spiritual Hostage Syndrome

sisterlisa

Power and Authority

Many Christians hear teaching about ‘power and authority’ in regards to their inherited victory from Christ over the powers and forces of the air. This is in relation to the spiritual warfare we deal with in this life. Oftentimes the teaching gets poured over into the area of religious leadership, when they combine it with the teaching of “obey those who have the rule over you.”

bay by sisterlisa, on Pix-O-Sphere
photo credit Lisa at Pix-O-Sphere

Immature leaders take this concept of “power and authority” and use it to lord over the Body of Christ, which Jesus explicitly commanded they not do.

Matthew 20: 20Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came up to him with her sons, and kneeling before him she asked him for something. 21And he said to her, “What do you want?” She said to him, “Say that these two sons of mine are to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom.” 22Jesus answered, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am to drink?” They said to him, “We are able.” 23He said to them, “You will drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father.” 24And when the ten heard it, they were indignant at the two brothers. 25But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant,c 27and whoever would be first among you must be your slave,d 28even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” ESV (emphasis mine)

I understand the purpose of having a leader of an organization that can effectively manage the affairs of their ministry, but the business side of an organization should not hinder the spiritual side. When the business aspect puts the spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional welfare of the people into bondage then the business side has become toxic for the Church. The business side of a ministry is to serve the needs of the people and surrounding community.

But lets look at the spiritual side of this in light of the New Covenant. Jesus rose from the grave and gave us his victory. We walk in the power of his resurrection, but what do wo do with this inheritance? Are we seeking to have power over people or to walk in the power of the resurrection so we can walk away from the bondage of condemnation that comes from the forces of the air?

So I choose to look at this word ‘power’ from the perspective of what it actually does for me, which is to be EMpowered. I have his power to EMpower myself to walk uprightly against the forces of the air and not be harmed by them.

So what are these forces of the air? Many believe it is the demonic realm that has some kind of power to cause things in the physical world to come against us. That may be true, but what I am talking about in this article is the forces that can not be seen that do try to harm us.

The power of words.

When people use words to harm us by condemning us, they are forces of the air. We can’t physically feel those words, but if we believe their negative words toward us then it can affect our mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical health. This happens in all kinds of environments from school bullies to the tabloids that gossip about celebrities. When it happens in a religious environment it’s called Spiritual Abuse.

Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” ESV

We don’t have to believe the words people hurl in our direction; in fact, we don’t have to listen to them at all. We are EMpowered to walk away and be free.

So what about this concept of authority in a religious environment? When Jesus gave us his victory to be EMpowered to walk free, he gave us the freedom to choose which spiritual leader to include in our lives. We are to search the scriptures to see if what they say are true and if we find their words or context untrue, we can walk away.  When you accept a leader into your life to give wisdom and insight to you, then it’s YOU who are giving them that authority, or permission, to do so.  It’s you who are allowing them a place in your life and spiritual growth and you have the freedom to break off that permission if it is abused.

It wasn’t until the sixteenth century that the word ‘authority’ began to be defined as ‘power to enforce obedience’ (Note: the King James bible was published in 1611 and King James was a known tyrant who demanded unquestioning obedience).

In the Greek, the word is ‘exousia’ which was intended to mean ‘influence’.

In the thirteenth century (and before) the definition of ‘influence’ was the meaning the people followed. This kind of authority (influence) was used to settle a matter. In the mid fourteenth century the word was defined as ‘authority entrusted to someone’. This reflects what I said earlier about giving someone permission to speak into our lives. It is ENtrusted to them, which means they earned that authority and were trusted with it. In the Body of Christ, the True Church, Jesus is the only Authority. We have ENtrusted our lives to him and given him allowance to influence our lives. No human being can ever be equal to the Lord. It can be goo have loved ones who have incredible insight that we can entrust to speak into our lives so we can be inspired and encouraged, but use caution when giving that trust to people with something so precious as your soul and mind. We are to worship God with all our soul, strength, and mind so we had better guard it.

While we have the Book of Wisdom that is filled with stories and testimonies of our spiritual ancestors, they were the authors of their experiences. They are not the authors of ours. Together with Christ, WE are the authors of our own stories. How we explain those stories, and His involvement in our own history, is our very own freedom to write and speak about.

“You and I are One.”~Jesus

So be empowered and go author your own story.

Sisterlisa

Special thanks for the inspiration of this articles goes to:

Carolee Dalton, Lifecoach at Shine Church

Jeremy Dalton, Lifecoach at Shine Church

ShineChurch


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Spiritual Hostage Syndrome

I was given the honor of being featured in an interview with Bob Greaves, also known as The Unconventional Pastor. He is a former IFB pastor through the camp of BJU and I am a former member of an IFB church through the camp of Hyles. Bob and I have developed a sweet friendship over the past couple of years and he has been an incredible encouragement to me. In the following interview I spoke of a paper I wrote titled, “Spiritual Hostage Syndrome” and how it affects the mind, body, and soul. The paper is available to view here. If you have any questions about the paper or the interview please leave a comment below.

SisterLisa

Related Articles:

Is the IFB a Cult?

IFB Cult Survivors

When Your Former Church Makes Headlines

Former IFB Pastor will be Interviewing me on Sunday

As many of you know, I am a former member of the IFB movement. The IFB movement has become a highly controversial religious movement garnering the attention of many news sources from CNN, 20/20, Fox News, and Anderson Cooper. I faithfully attended an IFB church for nearly 15 years. When I say faithfully, I mean it.

  • Every Sunday morning (except for just about3 4- Sundays when myself or children were sick and 2 or so Sundaysa year when we campaigned in other churches for a rescue mission).
  • Every Sunday Night (I honestly don’t recall ever missing a Sunday night, if I did it was extremely rare)
  • Every Wednesday night (with a couple exceptions… giving birth)
  • Every evangelistic meeting, revival meeting, conference, and other extra meetings like Sunday School Teachers and Ministry Worker’s training meetings.
  • Not to mention most activities they held on campus.
  • We even attended other IFB churches while on vacations.
  • The church pretty much became my family and my whole life.

Through a series of events we ended up departing and I wish I could say it was a peaceful departure, but that wasn’t so. I don’t want to get into all the reasons we left, but the bottom line is we (much to their denial) suffered from spiritual abuse. I have blogged a handful of times about our experiences and launched a website called Spiritual Abuse Awareness. When we left there were very limited resources online about spiritual abuse and of the ones I found were specifically focused toward a few denominations such as United Pentecostal, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and one about the IFB. In my studies I discovered that spiritual abuse is everywhere and while some denominations/movements seem to have a higher risk than others, the abuse is due to a common mentality among leaders. So it is not my intention to expose any one specific denomination, but rather to educate about the abusive mindset and how it affects our lives, our mental health, and our spiritual well being (including the tragedies of molestation and domestic violence).

In the last couple of years I have become good friends with a former IFB pastor from the BJU clan (I was of the Hyles clan, as my former pastor was a Hyles graduate). Bob is known as the UnConventional Pastor and is a gracious soul with compassion for people and a love for the Lord. He has invited me to be his guest on his show Sunday night and we will be discussing my story, my ministry for the spiritually abused, and also some updates about what’s going on in my life now.

The show is “The Unconventional Pastor”
The host is Bob Greaves
The sponsor is The New Covenant Group
The Time is 7:00 pm CST Sunday
The Guest is Sisterlisa Bertolini

The Place is NCG Studios

You can RSVP to this event here on Facebook and chat with me on the wall there. Be sure to let me know which topics you would like to hear about. If we can’t cover everything, (which we won’t as it is a massive and delicate topic) we can arrange another show at a later date.

Spiritual abuse doesn’t begin with twisted scripture, it begins in the mind of an abusive person who distorts the scriptures. Their own distorted minds and damaged souls misread the bible. I think many times they don’t even realize what they’re doing. I’ve personally heard a few IFB pastors confess that they don’t know why they’re still pastors, they hide under their desks and cry, they feel judged and trapped. If only they knew how much better their lives in Christ could be (and how it would help the people) if they just got out of the pulpit and lived by faith. But as many of us can testify, it isn’t easy to leave. It’s heartbreaking to leave.

My hope is to share with you how I found healing and the confidence to pursue my walk with Christ in his glorious grace.

I do hope you can join us on Sunday night and if not we’ll do what we can to make the interview available on YouTube.

During the show I’ll let you know how you can arrange a time to video chat with me in the upcoming weeks.

*Note: Due to my former leadership being involved in two lawsuits, I will not be disclosing information about the church or it’s pastor on the show out of respect for the justice system and the victims and their families.

Sisterlisa

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What is an Advocate?

There are a lot of different types of responses any time we see a travesty in the church community. An ‘explosion’ occurs and people either scatter, get frozen by shock, some get angry, some cry, and some start fighting immediately. It’s very important that we try to remain balanced and solid in our journey so we don’t put ourselves in a vulnerable position of being victimized again and again.

Antique Daisy by kimberlyeddy, on Pix-O-Sphere

When people leave a toxic church environment they often don’t know who they can trust and go to for assistance. When they are taught for many years that anyone outside the denomination is ‘not right with God’ or is ‘evil’, then they end up walking into another toxic environment of the same denomination or even a similar one. We need to be wise not to blindly trust a pastor just because of his denominational affiliation.

The best thing a victim can do is go to the police or to a professional licensed counselor.

Some communities have advocacy centers where you can share your story and be given resources to assist you. If you’re looking for an advocate, be sure you know what a real advocate is and the standards they operate under.

Many people who have been wounded and have found their voice to speak up most certainly can be seen as an advocate, but be sure you understand what a real functioning ethical Advocate is.

A genuine Advocate is one who has an official status of advocacy from a legitimate advocacy program. They operate under the leadership of a team of people who hold them accountable to adhering to the Code and Ethics of the Victim Advocate Providers.

Since the government doesn’t normally touch a spiritual abuse situation then finding a spiritual abuse advocate can be difficult. There is great concern that spiritual abuse victims will leave an unaccredited (abusive) ‘counseling’ pastor/church/school/college and walk right into another illegitimate ‘advocacy’ group. There certainly are some supportive online forums where you can find yourself in the midst of other victims/survivors and they can be helpful, but use caution! It’s important to be very wise when looking for help when leaving a cult.

I have spent several years researching and testing out connections with an assortment of counseling centers and support groups to be sure I could recommend safe places for people to go to. Spiritual Abuse Awareness is on the rise and there are a few places I will recommend at the closing of this article.

Many times, victims are hesitant on selecting a counselor out of fear the counselor will try to convert them to atheism or impose their own beliefs onto them. A good Spiritual Abuse Advocate or counselor will never impose their beliefs on a client. There have been some ‘Christian counselors’ who have done more harm to a victim than good and these victims end up in a worse position than before. It’s very important to be sure you see a counselor that is licensed and who has experience leading people to healing and freedom. A client should be able to walk away from their treatment with courage and wisdom to recognize abuse and avoid it.

Spiritual Abuse Advocacy is a very important need for the faith community and needs to be provided not only to Christians, but also to those who are not comfortable being a Christian anymore. There are victims in all areas of life from atheism, paganism, and even gang tyranny. Many times these folks were victimized by religious centers and fled to other areas for help. A group of people who believe in a common belief do not necessarily mean they are abusive. Just because someone is an atheist, doesn’t make them haters of Christians. Likewise, if someone is pagan it doesn’t mean they are automatically abusive. Christians don’t like to be accused with a broad brush and dislike being lumped in with highly abusive toxic cult groups, so we need to understand that others don’t like to be broad brushed either. Abuse happens everywhere and victims need to know they have ethical and professional advocates.

Sometimes churches have spiritual abuse recovery groups and while I think their hearts are in the right place, it’s very important that they be educated and confirmed as ethical Victim Assistant Providers. If they aren’t and would like to be then I’ll be sharing information at the close of this article.

There’s a camaraderie among victims/survivors of abuse. It’s comforting to know they aren’t alone. However, I strongly advise that any group that is lead by someone wanting to be an advocate, that they get the necessary education and training to be able to professionally moderate such groups. They should provide the necessary documentation and have it posted publicly. There should be a checks and balances way for victims to plead to someone higher up in case any inappropriateness occurs. If the leadership has no one higher you can go to, then use caution in trusting them. You can find additional helps and resources at the following agencies:

Victim’s Bill of Rights (US Government site)

Office of Justice Programs (US Government site)

Resource Library for Victims of Crime (US Government supported Faith based)

National Crime Victims Law Institute

National Center for Victims of Crime

**Office for Victims of Crime (free online training)

Faith Based Resources

Wellspring Retreat Center

Spiritual Abuse Awareness

G.R.A.C.E.

Coast Recovery Services (grassroots in progress, 20 years experience in drug/alcohol addiction and spiritual abuse)

Blogs

Under Much Grace

Quivering Daughters

Eric Pazdziora

Serena Woods, Grace is for Sinners

Films

Paradise Recovered

The Elizabeth Smart Story

The Shunning

Lord, Save us from your followers

Books

Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

Soul Repair

Quivering Daughters

Feel free to comment below (anonymous is fine) with resources that have been helpful to you.

Be safe in your journey to freedom and healing. 

**If you’re interested in becoming a Spiritual Abuse Advocate (SAA) you can contact me through the Coast Recovery Services FB page and we’ll keep you updated on the launch of our SAA program. Our staff is comprised of professionals in the field of Addiction/Recovery. Among our certifications are Certified Drug and Alcohol & Addictions Counselor, Registered Addiction Specialist, Certified Marriage and Family Counseling, Certified PTSD, Masters of Divinity, FBI fingerprinted and approved, and 20 years of ministry experience including prison ministry, church ministry, and mission ministry.

Sisterlisa

 

 

Jack Schaap Used Jack Hyles’ Approach to Church, Could be Communism

There are plenty of blogs out there where you can find an array of angry articles and hostile comment sections due to the recent devastation involving Jack Schaap and the Independent Fundamental Baptist Church movement. Plenty of folks are coming out of the woodwork, telling their stories on Facebook and on their own blogs. Most of the stories I have seen focus on First Baptist Church of Hammond specifically, but let’s not forget that there are many IFB churches where these same things are happening. There are wounded people all over the world, because of the abusive system that has been taught in IFB colleges for years!

How does something like this happen in so many churches in the same movement? Do not think you are alone in this kind of chaos, many church denominations suffer from abuse. There is a lot to take into consideration in diagnosing the root of the problem, but you can start with investigating the type of church governance that Hyles taught for so many years, of which Jack Schaap carried the torch for. I have Jack Hyle’s book, ‘Hyles Church Manual’ and I have to say that this book is full of reasons why this toxicity has continued for so long. The pattern of church governance throughout this book is accompanied by narcissistic mind control techniques. In my opinion, Jack Hyles suffered from mental illness yet was intelligent enough to create a religious saga that closely resembles a high profile soap opera.

Many will cry out, “Don’t use a broad brush to paint all IFB churches as cults“, but if they learned their form of ‘church’ from the Jack Hyles’ inheritance of theology and church governance, then it is highly likely that abuse will happen in their churches and they will use the same methods Jack Hyles used when abuse happened in his church. If you speak to as many former IFB members as I have you will see that hundreds of IFB pastors have dealt with abuse in the exact same way. If there are any IFB churches that sincerely haven’t had ANY abuse happen and they’ve been around for a long time, then kudos to the pastors who found a different way to run a church.

People can disagree with doctrine, but when it comes to a system that has a faulty infrastructure to begin with, then they are destined to topple at some point. This doesn’t necessarily mean they will close their doors, but it does mean that leaders will fall and victimize someone (or many). The only way an IFB church will ever close it’s doors is if the people stop going and the community around them is made aware of how toxic it is. I’m not so sure this is likely to happen, as cults have been around for ages and are still operating today.

In the following image we see the mentality that Hyles had about hiring staff members:

“One hundred percent UNQUESTIONED loyalty… NEVER a reflection or a doubt….just a little criticism and he would have been ERASED from consideration.

In this image we see how he felt about staff salaries (er um, or rather how he felt about his own needs):

“If the pastor is more concerned with the staff member’s salaries than his own, they will be more concerned about HIS NEEDS than their own.”

Also, notice just above where he advises that you make it sound like his staff is highly qualified. In the page before this he instructed that all his secretaries were to be paid LESS than a business secretary. In my world we pay secretaries based on their level of intelligence, hard work, and experience. We do NOT pay them based on how high a level we can put them on a pedestal in the eyes of the people.

 

This book is so eerie as it is the same cookie cutter approach many IFB pastors still use today. This book is full of manipulation and SCARCELY a bible verse to back any of it up. The section on how to select deacons is laughable as it is exactly how deacons are chosen in many churches today. If even ONE deacon on the board does not vote a man in, then they are NOT considered. The deacon board is chosen before it ever goes to the church and the church thinks their vote actually counts, but it doesn’t. The pastor in Hyles’ approach has a system of how to find out if a member is loyal enough to join based on the doubt his current deacons have about those nominated. Remember he said, “Unquestionable loyalty, not a hint of critcism or doubt”.

Sadly, it sounds like Hyles could have gotten his method of running a church from a communist. Afterall, he did serve in World War II and maybe he experienced some PTSD or other kind of trauma that spawned this legacy of church abuse. Who knows? Many former IFB members testify that their churches felt communistic. Have you seen “Boy in the Striped Pajamas“? You may need to get it from Netflix and see it right away.

This book is riddled with scenarios that made me gasp from one page to the next and reminded me that not only do many IFB churches create clones, but the pastors themselves are clones of what is described in this book.

If a church is built on this unstable infrastructure then you will have many wide open doors for wolves to sneak in unaware. There are healthier ways of organizing a church, but do NOT use this Hyles method! The unquestioned loyalty methodology gives far too much room for the flesh to kick in and begin controlling every aspect of a congregation and very little, if not NO, accountability to protect yourselves. The traditional church governance and teaching methods of the IFB, as passed down from Jack Hyles, is toxic to the core. Any church leader or bible college that trains up new leaders to run a church like this man did is doing an incredible disservice to the Body of Christ.

Christ has made us FREE from the religious bondage that many are being suckered into. Even Hyles knew this when he dissociated from the Southern Baptist Convention. You too, are free to dissociate from toxic church environments and choose a congregation where you can heal and grow in faith without being placed into bondage.

Galatians 5:1 “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.”

Sisterlisa

Law or Grace for Jack Schaap?

It’s been a few days since the initial news of Jack Schaap’s termination as pastor was announced. I’ve watched the Internet each day as more media picked up the story and as thousands of Cyber folks have hit their Facebook pages, Twitter (#JackSchaap), and blogs with the story. The comments I see run from totally passive to highly hostile. This entire situation is so deeply devastating and the shock waves are being felt worldwide.

I’ve tried to be objective and remain as balanced as possible between my motherly emotions and my logical perspective on this matter. I have considered that my own feelings as a former IFB cult member might make me a bit bias, but I honestly have tried hard to be objective. As a mom, I would want to embrace my child in the midst of her torment and yet sound the battle cry to send the troops to war against any and all who had part in this happening due to their complacency in confronting Jack Schaap long before this could have happened. My heart truly goes out to the girl and her family. When we left the IFB movement, we didn’t have this kind of scandal directly affecting anyone in our family and yet we suffered from the shunning, criticism, and lack of support in our decision to leave. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for this family.

Why I sympathize with Cindy Schaap:

As a wife, I also think about the Schaap family in particularly, Cindy Schaap. Many years ago, my husband and I faced some of our own personally tragedy as he chose to take the path of drug abuse. Many unwise decisions followed. It was horrible to be judged as a woman for the difficulties my husband faced. Many tried to get me to divorce my husband, but deep down I just couldn’t. I truly love him and couldn’t face the idea of divorcing. We did, however go through a separation. Everything we faced was incredibly difficult, but one of the most difficult was facing church folk each week.

There were a few select women who never judged me nor my husband. I owe a debt of gratitude to them for their patient and gentle love. While they loved us, they did not put their heads in the sand. They gave practical advice so we could face the reality of our situation. Walking by faith does not mean to ignore a problem in hopes that it works itself out. When we face tragedy we need to approach it sternly and take the necessary steps to work through the issue with practical solutions.

We weren’t church leaders at the time, but nonetheless the trial we stumbled through was extremely taxing and the judgement we did get from many, made the healing more difficult. Having people, I loved and admired, judging my husband lowered my admiration for them as spiritual leaders. We didn’t need judgement, we needed practical steps and spiritual partners who would be willing to walk through those steps with us.

Thankfully, we were able to do what was needed to get our lives back on track. We’ve been married for twenty years now and were able to find individuals who were supportive of us through all of our journey to healing. Having people love us and support us in changing our chaos into stability was key in the process of our repentance from a destructive lifestyle. This didn’t mean they condoned our past decisions, but rather they supported the new decisions. I had to do some things on my own such as going to court, talking to lawyers, updating the family on what was going on, etc. It was extremely hard to do those things alone, but it helped me to grow.

Looking back on everything helps me see Cindy’s situation in a different light. My heart groans for her tragedy. What she is facing is far worse than what we went through. Even typing this out, I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes for her. Leaving a legalistic community, when a fall like this is the reason for it, must be such a lonely departure. Jack was a pastor of a well known mega church in their community. Cindy won’t be able to go anywhere without people knowing who she is. I pray the media leaves her alone.

While I am compassionate towards Cindy, I can say without hesitation that Jack has to answer for his foolishness. When my husband and I went through our difficulties, I never asked for God to let things go. I knew that having my husband be held accountable and to face his own foolishness head on was the best thing for him..the best thing for both of us. Jack needs to face the laws of the land and face whatever justice comes from this.

One thing that many people are saying is that God will hold Jack accountable. Part of this human world is that God ordained government to punish criminals and as such as we need to let the system do what they were ordained to do. The authorities are doing their job and we need to let them do that.

My perspective as a spiritual counselor:

As a spiritual counselor, I have to work between my motherly emotions and my spiritual calling. This is not easy to do, yet I do feel it’s an important spiritual exercise for any spiritual leader to take seriously. This is where victims usually get angry, because the blood of Jesus “shouldn’t let this go”. All of a sudden the “Once saved always saved” doctrine is doubted and flat out rejected. Angry people want Jack Schaap to either go to hell or be punished by the fullest extent of the law. Even at that, their anger won’t be satisfied.

What does that say about us if the thought of him going to hell doesn’t satisfy our anger? Do we easily forget about our own short comings? Do we forget to be thankful that our own condition of sin has been paid for through the death of Christ our Lord? Have we forsaken a grateful heart for the fact that we have received life through the conquering of the grave and the resurrected life of Christ?

May we take heed, lest we also fall.

If Jack Schaap, a premiere Independent Fundamental Baptist preacher, can fall then anyone can. Jack was raised in a strict fundamental religion that defined everything as black and white. Many rules were in place to insure that he would always live a ‘godly’ life. Yet, in the midst of all that Christian ‘perfection’, he still fell. You see, the Christian bubble of sterilization doesn’t work. Oh we can avoid drinking, drugs, and porn quite easily if that was all we had to avoid. However, this was not all those in the IFB movement have to avoid. They also have to avoid most television, contemporary Christian music, Christian stores outside of their own church bookstore, family members who don’t attend an IFB church, bathing suits, the ballet, the beach, movie theaters, magazines in the checkout stand aisle, girls who wear pants, and on and on the list goes. They have so much to worry about avoiding that all their mental and spiritual energy is being used up trying to avoid things that really don’t need that much attention. It’s not going to upset God if a woman fails to wear nylons to church or misses church on Sunday to go to a family reunion. It’s not going to upset God if a man hates wearing a suit and isn’t fond of door knocking. All the legalistic requirements to be acceptable in an IFB church is counterproductive to living the Kingdom life that Christ ushered into this New Covenant.

Christ came to shower us and cleanse us with his grace. If Jack had ever listened to what real grace is, then perhaps he would not have ended up where he is now. Nevertheless, there’s always a purpose for the fall of what people used to call ‘a great man’. Pharaoh was said to be a great leader too, but Moses came in and brought the message of deliverance. In order for people to be delivered, the leader who keeps them in bondage must fall. The Holy Spirit sends people to such leaders and demands freedom, but when the leaders keep refusing, when they keep insisting they are right in their own eyes, then eventually they will face the reality that God has intended for them. Sometimes a great fall is the beginning of an experience in humility and down to earth grace.

When Jack Schaap came to our former church:

It’s ironic that just a few short years ago, Schaap came to my former church and preached a message on this very topic. He preached on pride and humility and ironic as it sounds, his two messages confirmed for us that we needed to leave. Not that his messages were bad, in fact they were good. The messages he preached revealed to us that humility was not within the church we were at and in order to save our own family from destruction, we needed to leave. We actually sent word to Jack to ask for assistance, but he didn’t return our calls. It’s a good thing he didn’t. We were able to leave and get our girls out of the youth group before the second violation of a teen girl took place.

We left shortly after Jack’s visit to our former church and now that same church is in a second lawsuit due to two former staff men who violated teen girls. I’m eternally grateful that we got our teen girls out of there! I don’t feel that I owe Jack anything for that visit, I give all thanks to God alone. So the next thing I want to say is not from a heart of gratitude for Jack, but rather a heart of gratitude for the grace of God.

Get off the milk, because there’s meat to bite into:

This is a hard topic for many, especially someone new in their walk. Paul said that there was so much more he wanted to say, but the people weren’t ready to hear it. This intense topic and concept I’m about to share is not milk for a babe, it’s meat. If you’re not ready for this meat, it will choke you. If you’re not ready for meat, you will reject it. If you’re a victim of the IFB movement it will be difficult, but there is hope for justice and for grace. You see, justice and grace are not two opposing sides. Justice and grace work together to bring mercy. Justice is a balanced way to bring discipline to a person who needs it. It is meant to bring them to repentance as well as to genuine grace.

Humans are not required to give grace the way God gives it. If it were up to us, especially victims, we may not ever give mercy or grace. It’s not our obligation or responsibility to be as gracious as God is. I don’t want to place a burden on you that would be impossible to bear. We could never give grace the way Christ can, if it were possible he would not have needed to die.

When Christ came to die and resurrect, he brought reconciliation to God. Every man, woman, and child can boldly go to God without being afraid and know for certain they could receive grace. This is for the purpose of establishing a two way relationship with God. All of us have equal access to God, because of Christ. He is our mediator. So we preach the Gospel of reconciliation as Paul did. Both the perpetrator and the victim have equal access to God and equal grace in their relationships with Him. This does not mean that abusive people will not be held accountable in this lifetime. This does not mean the victims of this world won’t be affirmed. This spiritual reconciliation is a personal endeavor for individual relationships with God.

In this lifetime, we live in this human world with literal laws that we must honor. Christ said to obey the laws of the land and so we must. God ordained the government and so we must allow the authorities to do their work. Each Christian is called to stand for victims any time they are victimized. Jesus spoke of compassion for the Samaritan man, the women taken in adultery, and he prodigal son who was welcomed home. Many will ask where the grace is in our human relationships in regards to Jack and others who have violated people. To stand by a perpetrator as they face their music is not for everyone! A person of faith that is strong in both the spiritual realm and the physical realm can firmly walk alongside a man like Jack to be of support in them facing their consequences, but it does NOT mean such a person of faith is condoning what he did.

It takes a strong person who can hold them accountable while guiding them to understand what went wrong and how to find penance. It’s important to hold them firmly accountable, facing the reality of what they’ve done in order for them to grow and mature. If we, as Christians, can not give Jack Schaap room to be repentant then we have to face the idea that maybe we don’t really understand the Gospel. People who have been infected by the perverted ‘gospel’ that Jack preached are less likely to give him the room he needs. He taught for years that there is no room for sin. He boxed everyone in and now he has boxed himself into the same limited space with everyone else. Close quarters like that can be quite cramped. This is what happens when we try to live by the Law. The apostle Paul said that once the law came, sin revived. If we want a true revival of the power of Christ that brings repentance, grace, and humility then we need to be willing to live it out.

The government is involved and the FBI is very well aware of what mind control is and how it affects a congregation. Let them do their investigation. If you have any information, experiences, or otherwise that could be of assistance then call them directly. God will not punish you for doing so. I know that First Baptist Church has Atty. Gibbs and his son working on this case, but they are there to protection the institution of FBC. It is very different than a lawyer being there to protect individual victims. In order for them to protect the institution, they need to control information from leaving the congregation. Therefore, victims are not safe to give their information to them. This is a time when people need to decide if they want to protect a building licensed by a 501c3 or if they want help for victims. Victims need an outside advocate that can be purely in favor of assisting the victims and not be tainted by needing to protect the institution. In a high profile case like this, there is no doubt in my mind that people knew and didn’t do a darned thing. Penn State anyone? Tell your information directly to the police.

It’s a delicate matter to be concerned for both sides of this situation. As a minister, our utmost desire is to reconcile mankind to God in Christ. This means all mankind, even those who have been abusive. However, we also have a responsibility to victims and to make sure they are safe and protected. The apostle Paul had an issue with two men at one time and he said that he ‘gave them over to satan for their punishment’. There are times when we need to hand abusive people over to their own devices, allow them to suffer their consequences, so they can learn true remorse and repentance. A victim is not required to be a part of the perpetrator’s journey through his own personal self inflicted hell. Victims are free to walk away and have no contact. They are not required to let it go, to drop the charges, or to face their abuser with offers of forgiveness. Once the victim finds healing, they have the option to make those decisions, but they are not obligated to.

For people who feel torn between the two parties, I admonish them to side with the victim totally. For those who feel the strongest desire to support the perpetrator, then do so WISELY without condemning the victim and her supporters for what befalls the man now. There’s a lot of anger and hurt going on in the world due to this travesty. Some might say that if you weren’t a member of FBC then you shouldn’t worry about it. I strongly disagree. Jack Schaap has influenced IFB pastors and teens all over the world to further the anti-women dogma that infects congregations. Their methods of church governance morphed by the twisted scriptures creates a toxic environment where this kind of abuse thrives. The Christian community does not end at the doors of FBC. The Christian community is global and when one suffers, we all suffer.

We need to collectively put our feet down with how the IFB movement (and many other churches) create their institutions with toxic teachings where accountability is sorely lacking. Those who are leaders need to stand firm and proclaim from the rooftops that wolves have entered in, how they entered in, and how to get out! So while the government deals with this matter, we’ll continue to preach the true Gospel of reconciliation, protect victims, and teach others how to protect themselves.

Take the time needed to heal from the abuse you and your loved ones have suffered, don’t rush your grief. It doesn’t happen over night.

 Sisterlisa

*For encouragement in healing from fundamentalist abuse of girls and women, get Quivering Daughters by Hillary McFarland.

Pastor Sues Former Church Member and Loses

I’m not too keen on the idea of cutting down other faith leaders, however shining the Light on some issues is needful for the Body as a whole. All throughout the bible we read of prophets and leaders shedding light on issues regarding other leaders both in the secular realm (Pharaoh and Simon the false pastor) and among the brethren (Paul rebuking Peter and correcting the church at Corinth). Rachel Held Evans raises awareness about abuse within Mark Driscoll’s ministry and Matthew Paul Turner shines light on bizarre teachings and practices of mega church pastors. Now let me draw your attention to a fellow blogger, Julie Anne. She began a blog to raise awareness of cult-like activity going on in a church she once belonged to. She discovered the pastor had listed his church on a review site so Julie Anne left her very raw and honest review (you’ll need to go back to the earlier reviews to find hers). Needless to say, it started a whirlwind fire storm between her and the church. The pastor took her to court to sue her for $500K in a defamation lawsuit.

The old courthouse by parrettfive, on Pix-O-Sphere
photo credit Angie

It’s very important to understand that although a church develops it’s own way of handling disputes within their community, you are not without the Constitution. Julie Anne knew that she could speak freely about her experiences with protection from the United States Constitution. She simply blogged about her opinions of the pastor and the way he governs his church community. Julie Anne brings up some valuable information regarding Christians suing each other and how others were tossed into the lawsuit by the pastor. It’s needful for the Body to understand what their American rights are, what defamation, libel, and slander really are in addition to what you can say without getting sued.

I find it ironic that pastors don’t want former members speaking about their experiences in their churches, but those same pastors will publicly condemn secular leaders and other pastors from their pulpits. Do you see the hypocrisy? We have the freedom to share our stories. Somewhere along the line, victims have been bullied into silence and those bullies have increased in power due to their fear mongering and threats of eternal torture and God’s wrath upon their lives. No one will go to hell for being honest with their opinions.

Here’s where faith comes into play. We exercise our faith by walking out our freedom. Once you know you’re freedom and the wisdom needed to navigate in this freedom, you become empowered and the bullies lose. You see, the ‘freedom’ spoken of in churches usually only allows you freedom to disagree with the Catholic Church or any secular agency the pastor targets. However, the Constitution gives you freedom to disagree with anyone! Within the church system there are rules of engagement that require you to only speak positively about the leadership and any disagreement is viewed as rebellion and they issue their own form of discipline. If you’re willing to live with their discipline, then by all means speak up while you’re still there. Just be willing to own those consequences.

If you decide to leave there may still be consequences, since many churches practice various forms of excommunication. However, once you walk out those doors you no longer have to be as close to those who want to make your life miserable for speaking up or leaving. You have the freedom to walk away. Now what about writing out your experiences on a blog like Julie Anne did or on Facebook like so many others do? I’m not a lawyer so you’ll want to double check for yourself, but as long as you aren’t accusing them by name of criminal activity then your opinion is free to be shared. A pastor or other church member might try to sue you like Pastor Chuck did to Julie Anne, but they will lose so long as you are within your Constitutional rights. So be sure and talk to a lawyer before speaking up. In addition to this, the one suing you may have to pay all your court fees.

I’m not saying that you should start a blog to publicly call a pastor out on the carpet and I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but I do think we all need to be wise about it. Although Julie Anne plowed her way through this with much courage, her life was not without stress. Thankfully, she won and her court case paves a way for all of us to gain more courage to be free. Just be willing to live with all the pros and cons of your decision.

One last thing, but certainly not last in importance. God will not condemn you for speaking up about an abusive church government. The condition of sin was extinguished through the death and resurrection of Christ the Lord. God sees you as absolutely perfect, it’s just mankind who doesn’t. So while you are free to do whatever you want, choose wisely. Whatever your choice is, you will need to live with that choice.

Sisterlisa

Drawing a Line in the Sand

There’s only so much we can do in regards to sharing our thoughts and opinions on things while not offending people. Jesus spoke truth yet his words were offensive to many and still are offensive today. People don’t like to be reminded that we’re all equal, because that means they can’t justify why they are ‘better’ than those they look down upon. Jesus confronted the self righteousness and abusive ways of the religious folk in his day and doing so today brings about the same response those folks did back then. Call out a bully in defense of the victim and they accuse you of being judgmental. Accusations like this freeze people from standing up to bullies.

It’s going to be natural that people will differ on doctrines. There are so many perspectives on the bible and it’s evident by the 35,000+ denominations we have today, but what I find interesting about differences is that we have such a difficult time learning how to be gracious in disagreements. It really all comes down to maturity, but even the people we think are mature still battle with fear. Fear is the real enemy. We all suffer from fear, some more often than others. Fear causes people to belittle each other, verbal bomb one another, and even manipulate one another. It’s a trap that renders us impotent. Fear puts us in bondage. This kind of bondage can negatively affect our relationships, our jobs, and our growth as human beings. When this kind of bondage renders us useless to even make positive decisions then we need to re-examine ourselves. I found myself in this position in regards to how I express my faith.

coast by sisterlisa, on Pix-O-Sphere

I have no problem jumping to the defense of people who are being victimized by bullies, but defending myself against folks who attack me can be quite daunting. Learning when to take the time to expound further on my beliefs and when to ignore people who are just there to attack is something I take seriously. Sometimes I take it so seriously that I don’t know what to do or to say. It’s a good thing we have comment moderation in blogs so I can have time to think about things and get advice from friends before responding.

In my old path of religion we were told not to be ashamed of what we believe. Well, I came to do just that. I came to be ashamed that I followed a religious bully for so long and followed that type of perspective on God. Being bold, as were told to do, with my former beliefs caused me to lose interaction with people I loved. We were assured that we should not be concerned with how others felt about our beliefs, that if they pulled away it was their own problem. Yet the consequences were fractured relationships. In the long run I came to realize that it wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it to lose relationships based on the god and religious bully (who claimed to speak on his god’s behalf) that told me to condemn people to hell then if they walked away it was their own fault. In hindsight, I can see that my views were abusive and the consequence of relationships being fracture wasn’t the fault of my loved ones, it was mine. This is what has played a role in me being paralyzed to express my new path. I’ve been afraid that expressing my all inclusive view of God would push people away and that it would be my fault.

I need to draw a line in the sand for my own sanity and spiritual growth. I don’t like to do this, but if I don’t have a boundary for myself then I will be paralyzed by everyone else’s opinions and I don’t want to be in that kind of bondage. The difference this time is that I will be rejected by viewing God as all forgiving, all merciful, and all loving. Whereas before, I was rejected because I viewed God as limited in forgiveness, limited in mercy, and limited in love. I would rather be rejected for viewing God as all inclusive than for being rejected for viewing God as a religious bully. It’s greater for me to be standing on the side of grace than on the side of condemnation. So if I’m rejected for standing on the side of grace, then I’ll live with that and know that I chose to walk the path of love.

I do hope that people can at least appreciate that I view God with such an outstanding hope, even if they disagree with my view. I want to preserve my relationships, but I refuse to remain in bondage of what bullies think of me.

Sisterlisa

When Church Discipline Becomes Abusive

It’s not surprising that the growth of the Internet has given the global Church the power to voice their faith and concerns about the Christianity community. I’m not fond of labeling all churches within a movement as a cult, but there are times when cult tendencies become so widespread within a movement that people begin taking notice. I have posted before about some experiences I had in another movement, but what really caught my eye was how the same tactics are used in a variety of denominations.

Matthew Paul Turner courageously posted a piece about Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington that has the global Church deeply disturbed. It’s not the fact that he posted the testimony of one man that disturbs us, it’s the tactics used against this man he reports about, that is so disturbing.

I had quite a discussion with a friend last night who had also left the same environment I did. We discussed how much freedom we really have in Christ to gather, worship, and study as equals. When Peter offered to build Jesus a temple, his response was simple, “No.” Jesus’ plans were to build a new temple, in us. So why do so many Christians feel the need to build modern temples and call them churches? It’s the People who are the Church, not the buildings or programs. It certainly is within our freedom to create organized places to socialize together and develop a governance to keep the community center supported financially. However, what often happens in these kinds of community centers is deeply disturbing and the global Body is taking notice.

Many cry out, “This should not be happening in The Church!” It certainly is a heartbreaking situation when we come to love and trust a leader of such an establishment only to find accusations of alleged abuse and it’s extremely difficult to see the truth. We often tell teenagers that their love for each other has them blinded. It seems that this may be the case within the Body as well.

Does the entire Body of Christ have the authority to speak up about what happens in just one community center? Or is it a private matter for that local Body alone? Andie Redwine, Writer and Co-Producer of Paradise Recovered, has this to say;

“My position is that Mark Driscoll has a wide audience that transcends denomination. MPT gave Andrew a place to go to chat about what happened to him. The fact that we are all so moved by it means that the onus is on Driscoll to make a statement.” (MPT refers to Matthew Paul Turner)

She certainly has a point. This particular pastor has a much wider audience than just his local community of believers. When a pastor opens up to the public audience with videos, books, audios, public speaking, etc then he sure does open himself up to public outcry from the Body as a whole. Another thing to keep in mind is that Mars Hill Church in Seattle, Washington (not to be confused with the fascinating and gracious work of Rob Bell at Mars Hill Bible Church) has a seriously crafted membership that requires a disturbing amount of rules to live by that has many labeling as legalistic. Again, they do have the freedom to create their own governance, but the people have the freedom to not agree to it. Just because someone initially submits to it, doesn’t mean they are legally obligated to stay under such leadership. How much more reminding do we need that we live in America where we have the freedom of religion?

Regardless of how we all feel about this particular community, The Church is raising awareness of Spiritual Abuse. The government protects your freedom of religion, but you willingly submit to the church community of your choice. You have the freedom to walk away without suffering from harassment. Sadly, many congregations do not understand how to draw the line between church discipline and harassment. If you believe you are in danger of being harassed or stalked upon leaving a church community, don’t be afraid to call a lawyer and talk to a professional counselor.

Are you blogging about Spiritual Abuse in support of victims? If so, please comment with your link and I’ll add it to the list.

Matthew Paul Turner

Eric Pazdziora

David Hayward

Dr. Robert Cargill

Provender

Quivering Daughters

Michelle Pendergrass

Mike Fehlauer

Lisa Kerr

Matthew 5

 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
 “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
 “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
 “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
 “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
 “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
  
(Matthew 5:2-12 ESV)

~Sisterlisa