Accusations of Being Bitter or Negative?

November 21, 2011 By 2 Comments

When your heart has been broken and your trust betrayed, speaking up is not always viewed as needful, in fact it can sometimes be viewed as negative and with a bitter or critical tone. Sometimes just speaking up about our own weaknesses can bring on criticism.

This is one of the most damaging things we can say to each other.

Lets stop trying to run over and hide a persons’ wounds and words that come from their brokenness.

Stop and listen.

We’re not all going to always be understood the first time we say something. Our blog posts, Tweets, and Facebook statuses can be easily misunderstood. What feels like a healing post for some, might be viewed as a knock on another.

A 140 character Tweet is a tricky sort of communication. Send out a bland tweet and it gets ignored, give it an eye catching phrase and you could get a negative reaction, or a positive one…it all depends on the person reading it.

And when people gush out of their brokenness it’s not always going to look flattering.

This is where we get to live in the moment where grace is needed.

When we open discussions that trigger deep pain and comments burst forth with emotion…don’t whack people over the head with accusations of rebellion or bitterness. They’re broken and they trusted their audience with their transparency and where are the ministers of grace?

We claim to be followers of grace, but the moment it’s needed we foul it all up with strapping down people with verbal duct tape. We accuse people of having a negative tone and the audience might take the lead from the one trying to hush them.

And it’s more difficult when all of this happens in a community of friends.

If we blog from our brokenness, then we’re going to see people start opening up about their own pain and that’s where healing can begin…but not when they see others hushed or rebuked. That just clogs the arteries to the heart that needs healing.

We can’t holler at people who are bleeding. “Stop bleeding, you’re making a mess around here!“

I thought this community was a spiritual hospital. Do we want to see the wounded take their injuries to another community?

A Christian community is supposed to be for healing..that means broken people are going bleed in your presence and sometimes their injuries are inflicted by people within that community.

There’s no time for playing the blame game, injured people need grace.

If injured people can’t trust us with their wounds, then don’t be surprised when they leave the community all together and go elsewhere and for God’s sake don’t rebuke them for leaving. Would you keep going back to a hospital that kept pushing you out of the waiting room?

And if this post ruffles your feathers, it’s probably because there some truth in what I’m saying. None of us like to have our toes stepped on, but I think it’s high time we face the fact that our Christian community is dysfunctional.

When people talk about the pain they’ve experienced in the Christian community then rush to their side and give them some compassion. How dare we think our community is picture perfect all the time. Stop trying to defend a community as if it’s perfect. We’re not a perfect community and we can’t hide our faults. We’re a bunch of human beings who fall flat on our faces on a regular basis.

We have believers who haven’t grown in the 40+ years they’ve claimed to be a Christian while others who are new to this community have more wisdom and compassion in their little fingers.

Are we growing cold, withering on the vine, and refusing grace to one another?

When we say we’ve been hurt in the Christian community, we’re gasping for air so we can survive.

It’s ok to tell someone you see it happening. It’s ok to validate their pain. Because I will tell you this my friends..a person seeking healing is far more important than the reputation of your organizations.

How dare we bolster ourselves to protect the image of a business/ministry entity over consoling a person who was wounded there.

And while there are plenty of people going through a mass exodus from Christianity, I am not going to ditch my community and let the pushing, arguing, and indifferent people take over. I’m standing my ground and saying, enough is enough! I’ll stand in the fray with the wounded and lick their wounds for them if I have to. But don’t you dare push them out and try to cover their brokenness, because you’re embarrassed or more concerned about your own images.

People aren’t leaving Christianity because the world is enticing…they’re leaving because it’s a battle ground. I’m looking for people who will stand with me and help the wounded.

Filed Under: Friends, Healing Tagged With: , , , , , ,

It was Time to Say Goodbye

November 7, 2011 By 1 Comment

It was time.

I knew I had to say goodbye..for my own sanity..to the past, farewell.

I wrote a simple goodbye to my religious past and its community. I’m the only one who knows what it said. I folded it up into an origami heart and took it to the Samhain celebration on Sunday.

The words spoken at this Druid ritual really fed my soul. This time of year is a time of change and preparation for the dark winter ahead..like the time a caterpillar is in its cocoon…to rest and allow the change to take place.

It was time for me to say goodbye and I placed my letter in the fire as a symbol of purification and closure for what had plagued me for so long. I’m thankful for the good I learned along the way, for even in a religious abusive environment, Jesus still speaks, comforts, and guides. He still taught me what I needed to know for the time.

In my heart I sang a song..to the tune of an old youth camp song…

Religion behind me, my faith before me,

Religion behind me, my faith before me,

Religion behind me, my faith before me,

No turning back, no turning back.

Tears streamed down my cheeks.

It’s time to stop looking at the yesterdays and turn to face forward…in the direction that my ship is headed.

I take a deep breath and dust the dirt from my feet and celebrate with a communal drink  of apple juice with my friends.

A smile emerges on my face.

Goodbyes are never easy, but hellos are so joyous.

And today we’re packing….it’s a step of faith.

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , ,

Church is not a One Stop Shop

November 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

With the hope of an upcoming move and a new community we have considered finding a church. My husband and I have discussed it, and while we both agree that we will never “join” a church again..we are open to the idea of attending.

The previous years of pain still haunt us, but we don’t want to be in a new city alone, in isolation, yet we are cautious of our hearts because the pain is still fresh.

And so it is with all this in mind that I considered that maybe church is not meant to be a One Stop Shop. Why is it that we assume that ‘such and such’ church has all our needs? Why is it that we assume that one specific church will have everything we’re looking for in a community? When we do this, we will always find ourselves disappointed.

Since we both firmly believe that we, the people, are the church, then perhaps the idea of church is not properly measured and boxed up in one specific location.

Maybe church is what we create around us. Prayerfully selecting friends to be our community of support. Gathering with them at various times over coffee, a dinner, or maybe a picnic lunch at the park.

They may not all have the same beliefs, creeds, or perspectives that we have and I think this is a good thing. It’s how we grow…by being around people who are different.

With this perspective we get to choose who we want in our ‘church’ without anyone feeling elitist..no one will know they were ‘chosen’. There is no membership required, no need to ask for money, no creed to abide by. We will have various friends and acquaintances, but some will be held closer to our hearts than others…and only we will know. They will be held close because they have earned our trust, not because they came with the One Stop Shop.

This is not a promise that these folks won’t be faulty people…but there’s a difference between faulty people who genuinely work at a relationship and faulty people who could care less.

I think when we pour ourselves into ministering to others, we become drained. I love to minister, but I need ministering too. I think it’s very important to get myself around people who can minister to me so I have the strength and energy to minister to others. We each have energy, but when we are around others who require energy from us, we find ourselves depleted and needing to be recharged. We need a healthy balance and only we know who charges us and who needs charging.

I also have a deep desire to find ways to minister that I know will be appreciated. Sometimes it’s good to minister in ways that we can be sure of a positive result of appreciation. How can we be so sure that our ministering will be appreciated? By ministering through nature. I have become a firm believer in giving back to the earth that God has given to us. When I till the ground to give roots more room to grow, I can see the appreciation when the plants grow larger. When we volunteer our time to pick up litter in the park, we see the appreciation on the children’s faces as they gleefully run through the grass and gaze happily up into the trees.

I think having a balance of ministering to nature as well as ministering to other humans will yield different forms of appreciation that nourishes us.

We also have a firm belief in sowing and reaping. The amount that you reap will be in proportion to the amount that you sow. However, I do not believe that giving $10 to the soup kitchen will yield an exact $10 back to you in a lottery ticket. I don’t think that’s how ‘sowing and reaping’ works. I believe that the sowing and reaping has to do with the heart and energy you put into something. This also means that the amount of negative you sow will be reaped as well. For this cause, I believe it is very important that we take our actions and thoughts more seriously and approach life with reverence and caution. Allow each day to be purposeful and reach out with a bountiful measure of positive energy.

Living each day in hope, rather than fear. Offer love and not rejection. Be wise and not flippantly disrespectful. Make the most of each day and the day will make the most of you.

This is how we will find community in our future.

This might be found in a family at one church and in the family that volunteers at the local park. It might be in feeling the warmth of the sun as we read books at the beach or in feeding seed to the birds at the wild life reserve.

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , , , ,

A Covering

November 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If you can’t be transparent, then how can you ever find support? How can you develop community with people who only want to see the smiling, perfect, facade all the time?

We are told to bear each other’s burdens, but we can’t do this unless people can feel confident in sharing their burdens with us.

We are to mourn with those who mourn, but what if they don’t trust us with what they’re mourning over? Do they know that we will receive them in their mourning?

Can we lift up the fallen and support the weak if we tell them not to fall or reject their confession of weakness?

What happens when they’re hurt by ‘leadership’? Or mutual friends and then people feel stuck in the middle? How do you console one, and not get caught up in the emotions toward the one who inflicted the pain? How do you know who to believe? What is gossip and what is truth? Confronting people doesn’t always work, especially if one is lying.

This has been the story of our lives over the last few years. The pain we have suffered is heartbreaking and I wonder if we’ll ever be able to let.it.go.

I mean, really let it go. When can we let go of this pain? Maybe when the wounds can be allowed to heal…maybe when our scabs aren’t being ripped off every so often..just before they fully heal. Maybe then…we can stop crying. If only emotional pain could heal as quick as a skinned knee.

Perhaps people can learn not to tell us what others are saying. If we never hear of it…then maybe we can get beyond it. Because every time we hear of yet another rumor about the false accusations against us…it not only rips those wounds apart again, sometimes they wound us much deeper than before.

And it hurts, because we still love. If we were cold and indifferent then it wouldn’t hurt so much. I don’t want to be indifferent. I just really want to move on.

And so I halted posting on my Facebook account. I made my Twitter account private. I set up a new email. I’m letting the answering machine do it’s job and my voice mail on my cell phone is there for a reason. Part of moving on is to stop all conduits of condemnation. I need to surround myself with positive people, support, and love. I’ve been pursuing, embracing, and dancing with grace for quite some time…if only I could see grace block those fiery darts, squash them totally and redirect their negative energy somewhere else.

Cover me, my friends… I need protection… a covering to allow me some time to heal…and for my family too.

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , ,

12 Steps to Freedom

November 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The 12 Steps to freedom from religious condemnation and mental unrest due to indoctrination. I took from the original model of the 12 step program used for substance abuse and formatted it for those interested in a step by step approach to freedom and mental health.

• Step 1 – We admit we had allowed ourselves to become powerless under our religious leader – that our mental health had become unmanageable.
• Step 2 – We believed that the pastor could restore us to God and how we were wrong to believe that.
• Step 3 – We had turned our will, our lives and our money over to the pastor and now we’re taking that power back.
• Step 4 – We’re now making fearless, logical inventory of ourselves and taking responsibility for our own beliefs.
• Step 5 – Admitting to ourselves and to another human being that the exact nature of our religious addiction was uneducated and illogical superstition.
• Step 6 – We are entirely ready to remove all unhealthy imaginations of ourselves.
• Step 7 – Humbly admit that we need to become better educated about our own mental health
• Step 8 – We are making a list of all false impressions of who we were told we are and admit to ourselves those are lies. Replace each one with truth about ourselves.
• Step 9 – Made direct amends to ourselves by closing all conduits of condemnation.
• Step 10 – Continue to take personal inventory and if prior thoughts of condemnation come, we promptly reject it.
• Step 11 – Sought, through personal reflection, to improve our mental health and our self worth as humans. Seeking only for knowledge to create personal boundaries of respect for ourselves and for wisdom to apply it to our lives
• Step 12 – Any conscious and healthy mental development that occurs is something to celebrate and share with supportive loved ones.

Filed Under: Healing

Why Do We Hurt So Much?

September 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The depth of your pain reveals how deeply you love.

heart in sand by lady_jess, on Pix-O-Sphere
{photo by Lady Jess at Pix-O-Sphere}

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: ,

When Mothering Needs Healing

May 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Not all families have a Mrs. Cleaver as a mom and to expect our moms, or ourselves as moms, to be Mrs. Cleaver would be a tragedy. We don’t choose our moms, we are born to them without our consent. Mothering is a sacred calling. Many times I have heard people say they wish they had someone else’s mom as their mother, but they have no idea what her children say about their upbringing in her home. There have been other moms in the church that many teens wished was their mom, but what they didn’t know was those women had problems with drug addiction, financial irresponsibility, or were emotionally abusive to her own kids. We never know what another mom is really like, all we see is what each mom wants us to see.

Each family grows up with the mom that was appointed to them and we can either reject them or embrace them. I find embracing them to be much healthier than rejecting them, but there certainly are some instances when it’s best to walk away if the mom is causing a lot of turmoil in your life, but use wisdom and grace in doing so.

I don’t often speak openly about my upbringing with my mom, because we had many rough years. My mom has shared her testimony of alcoholism from time to time, but she hasn’t decided to make her testimony a very big part of her life and I respect that. However difficult those years were, (she went into recovery when I was 16) she is the mom God appointed me to. I don’t wish my years growing up would have been any different. The journey our family went through together was difficult at times, but there were many good times as well. Those rough years were used to form my life into a vessel that now ministers to families going through the same things. God has taken our cracked lives and put his Light in and made us into Lamps.

All moms make mistakes and sometimes we think we’re making the right decisions only to find out later our best decisions wounded our kids without us knowing. My 15 year journey through legalism was turning me into an awful mean spirited mom and I thank God that he pulled us out when He did. Each family has it’s dysfunctions and God’s power is made strong in our weaknesses. I am thankful for the mistakes my parents, and my husband and I as parents, have made over the years. Those mistakes gave way so Jesus could pick us up and show us His grace in our parenting.

The journey our families now have through healing is creating stronger ties in our lives and we’re moving forward in life with profound glimpses into the Kingdom life Christ created for us and opened our eyes to.

Maybe there are some things you have not been happy about with your mom. I pray you can find peace in God, healing is in His wings. There’s an abundant life for us to enjoy and sometimes trials are a part of this journey. Over the years I have been able to look back and see just how beautiful the journey really has been. Blessings to all the mothers out there.

gerber daisies by sisterlisa, on Pix-O-Sphere

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How Does a Christian Respond to the Death of Bin Laden?

May 2, 2011 By 8 Comments

Power and Respect by tww, on Pix-O-Sphere

I remember arriving at my daughter’s former school that crisp September morning. I was on volunteer duty that morning as the children were arriving at school and a friend of mine hollered frantically for me to come to her van. She turned up the volume on the news and I heard the screaming over the air waves.

Over the last several years America has held her breath in anticipation that Bin Laden would be captured.

Tonight several news sources announced the DNA results of Bin Laden are positive, Bin Laden is dead.

I have mixed emotions.

I have no doubt that Bin Laden’s name will be added to the world’s most infamous criminals when the topic of hell comes up.

Hitler, Stalin, Bin Laden.

Is there a hell hot enough or big enough for all of them?

This last year, I came to reject the traditional concept of hell in favor of a type of universal reconciliation. Many people are at odds with what that means or what it will look like. My views on this are different from even many Universalists I know.

I believe in justice.

How does a Christian respond to the death of Bin Laden?

Does the idea of a literal fire torture chamber appeal to people and make them feel good about Bin Laden’s death?

{photo credit by Tom Wasinger}

Is death ever something to rejoice over?

Proverbs 29:2 When the righteous increase, the people rejoice, but when the wicked rule, the people groan.

If the people groaned when someone like Bin Laden ruled, then surely his departure from this earth is one of relief.

The weight off the shoulders of American citizens is indescribable.

Over the next week we will see all sorts of emotions and I have no doubt those who believe in a traditional hell will become hostile with those who don’t.

How does one reconcile these mixed emotions with our faith and trust in a sovereign God?

Did we trust in His sovereignty when the Twin Towers were attacked?

Can we trust God with this sovereign moment of knowing that enemy has been defeated?

Can a Christian rejoice that a terrorist is now gone?

I can’t help but to wonder if Christians and many others, are rejoicing that he is in their idea of hell.

Isn’t it enough to know he’s dead?

Romans 6:23 tell us “For the wages of sin is death”

Bin Laden is gone.

Is death enough for us or do we hunger and thirst for more blood?

Even the Jewish Law said an ‘eye for an eye’.

It didn’t say ‘eternal torture for an eye’.

To be just is to have equal punishment… under the old covenant with the chosen people.

In the New Covenant with Christ, he has covered us.

But there are those who rejected our interpretation of who Jesus is.

Mainstream Evagelicalism and many other camps of Christainity will adamantly state that Bin Laden will suffer for eternity.

They won’t know what took place in his heart over the last several years. They won’t know what took place between his heart and mind with the voice of God as he pillowed his head at night.

But many Christians have already judged Bin Laden as a permanent citizen of their idea of hell.

What they believe doesn’t change where Bin Laden really is.

Does this literal torturous hell make Christians feel better about people who reject their version of Jesus?

Do they feel superior somehow?

I am relieved that Bin Laden is gone, but I will not make a judgment on his soul being in torture forever. I don’t need that thought to find peace with his death, nor within my own self.

I trust a sovereign God who told the Pharaoh that there was a purpose for him.

Romans 9: 17 For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”

I pray that Christians will be wise in how they openly respond to the news of Bin Laden’s death.

We are not demons dancing at a party in celebration of burning the bleeding souls of men over a bonfire forever and ever.

Any death in this life is a death plain and simple. There are people who loved Bin Laden. He was some mother’s son.

No matter how wrong a crime he committed, his penalty was death. The just payment and he died.

graveyard by lady_jess, on Pix-O-Sphere

My friend called to tell me of this announcement and I sat in shock and disbelief.

I checked several news sources where I saw it as the headline “Bin Laden is Dead’.

I began telling my oldest daughter of the news and my lips quivered. I cried. I held my breath, then let it go with a sob.

It’s ok to cry, it’s ok to be relieved, and I believe it’s ok to experience any emotion that comes naturally to us at this time.

How will the Christian community respond to the news of his death?

There are hurting people in this nation who will experience all sorts of emotions.

Do not push their buttons.

Be kind.

Let them experience their feelings.

Be a light to shine peace.

{photo credit by Lady Jess}

Let’s not fight and argue over how we “should” respond.

For those who can, be gracious.

My idea of universal reconciliation varies in a few different ways.

I believe our breath is the very breath of God that gives us life. Without our breath, we die.

I believe our breath returns to the one who gave it.

What He does with that breath is up to him.

Do our memories or personalities live on in the mysterious after life?

I would hope so.

Will we have understanding of who we are in the after life and have our flesh dealt with there?

I know that is a popular thought, but if we drop our robes of flesh then how does flesh get dealt with in the after life?

The flesh and everything that goes with it does not go to our Creator in a way that our breath returns to him.

I don’t believe Bin Laden’s flesh or psyche, that has all evil thoughts of murdering people, is with God.

Even in the parable of the self righteous brother of the prodigal son, he does not enter the party.

But I do believe the essence of life that came from our Creator is returned to the Creator exactly as it was given when Bin Laden took his first breath.

He breathed in and he breathed out.

He’s gone.

Rest well and peace be with you.

Buschart Gardens by nonpoppop, on Pix-O-Sphere
{photo credit by Mike Davis}

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Patience With One Another

April 27, 2011 By 1 Comment

The ongoing Resurrected life is not without heart ache. We have never been given a guarantee that life would be without trauma, sadness, or grief. We will not be able to protect ourselves from being hurt and most of the time we are hurt the most by people we love. Maybe that is what makes betrayal so much harder to bear. Maybe that’s why it makes bitterness so much more difficult to heal from.

Perhaps this is why it hurts so deeply to become intimately involved in another church after being wounded so greatly in previous churches.

But heart ache doesn’t happen only in churches.

It happens among friends, neighbors, and even in our own families.

I had two short years to get to know my biological dad before he passed away. Most of it was filled with good times, laughter, and camping. We enjoyed being together. Then selfishness and immaturity crept in and overtook both of us. It didn’t end well. We parted ways and I moved to another state without telling him. I was that hurt. I packed my things and quietly moved away.

Six months later he died.

For many years I carried the heavy burden of guilt, remorse, and regret that I had parted ways so bitterly.

I was young, naive, and immature. I was a baby Christian who was wounded deeply…I was wounded deeply because I loved so deeply.

It took a long time for me to heal over that and I sit here in tears even now as I type this….19 years after his death.

I miss him terribly.

A friend of mine departed from her first husband out of fear for her life and for her children’s safety. Her husband held a gun to her and threatened to kill her.

She had to leave and couldn’t go back.

A friend of mine married young to a guy who pulled her into his drug addiction and didn’t treat her well. He abandoned her in another state with no where to go and no one to turn to. She filed for divorce.

Sometimes people make decisions that are incredibly difficult to make, but these decisions are needed in order to seek safety.

We never know why a person makes such decisions and we have no right whatsoever to demand that they go back to  place where they know they aren’t safe.

Sometimes people leave a church and may not want to tell you why.

Maybe they were molested. It could be that they know the pastor is having an affair and he threatened them to keep them silent. Perhaps they left because a teen guy was putting their daughter in compromising positions and his parents wouldn’t listen to her parent’s plea for help to keep them apart from each other.

How dare we tell a person to go back to church when we have no clue what they’ve been through.

I’m not going to accuse wounded people of being bitter. Even if I thought someone might be bitter, my first response is to be compassionate, not judgmental.

Healing takes time.

Can you force a dying rose bush to heal in one week?

Absolutely not!!

Can you condemn the rose bush, because it doesn’t produce a vibrant rose on your time table?

Wounded people need to be nurtured just like that rose bush needs to be nurtured.

And we need to be patient with that growth.

We’ve all been hurt and life will continue to push us into hurtful situations.

But we will grow from it.

We will heal from it.

daisy bud by sisterlisa, on Pix-O-Sphere

And we can grow together through it.

Some days I might cry and scream, some days you might rage and sob.

Growing together means we grieve together, love together, and seek the Lord together.

There is no promise that we won’t be hurt again.

But there is a promise that we aren’t alone.

He never leaves us nor forsakes us.

He won’t give us more than we can bear.

Will we ever find another gathering of believers where we can grow in safety?

I hope so.

But I don’t think it will be without times of grieving.

This is how life is and it’s how we grow stronger.

Let’s be patient with others while they graze beside still waters with our Great Shepherd. Sometimes wandering in the wilderness is the where the shadow of the Almighty is.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. (NIV)

Filed Under: Healing Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Those That Remain

April 18, 2011 By 10 Comments

Leaving a church that you have been deeply involved with for many years is incredibly difficult to do. Anyone who sees others leaving and thinks for a minute that leaving was “the easy way out” hasn’t a clue. It’s never easy to stand up for yourself and your family, especially when so many disagree with your choice. Leaving our former church was a very difficult process that was full of pain and sorrow. Yet we knew it was God who was leading us out.

I know some people don’t understand why God would lead a family away from a church, and at the time it was happening we didn’t know either. Over a decade before we left the church, my husband and I went through a separation. Those years were the most painful years of my life. Our testimony is public, we don’t hide what we went through. When we speak publicly it is the main part of our story. Without the reason for the separation, there wouldn’t be a testimony.

My husband was addicted to drugs and the lifestyle that went with it. His addiction caused him to have not only physical illness, but emotional as well. Using drugs warped his sense of reality and his behavior manifested all the inward illnesses of that addiction. When that behavior manifested, it caused harm to me and our daughters. Over a series of events and extended periods of his illness victimizing the girls and I, a decision needed to be made.

I could no longer hide the incredible plague that my family had been infected with. Those who didn’t know what we had been going through couldn’t understand why I was packing up my girls and leaving. They didn’t understand why we moved without telling my husband where we were going. I just knew I had to go. It was time we were able to find a safe place to heal.

People in our lives tried to offer advice, but they really had no idea of what all the details were and out of respect for the future I still hoped for, I refrained from telling everything. So many people wanted to know more, were frantic at my decisions, insisted they had the ‘right’ answers for us. Some rebuked us for leaving, others pushed for me to file for divorce. But none of these people knew my heart. None of them knew how deep of a history my husband and I had. No one could fathom the  hope I had that he could get help and turn himself around.

I had to leave by faith.

Leaving the church was very similar. Out of respect for the I hope I have for my former friends and their entire church, I remained silent about a lot of what happened. Out of respect for the innocent who have no idea what our departure entailed, I remain prayerful and quiet. They don’t need to know all that I know. If my knowledge could help someone in particular, I would tell only those who need to know. Some things are public knowledge and they can go to the public records and search on their own.

Many have left the same place I left. I have spoken to many of them. None of them have ever said leaving was easy. In fact, of those I spoke to, leaving was very difficult. Why would it be difficult to leave a place where a person is so deeply wounded?

Because we love those who wounded us.

For a while after leaving there was anger. Deep pain that could not be explained.

Healing takes time.

Each person needs time and the amount of time various in each person.

I know that our departure from that church hurt some who remained. I hate that it hurt them. I do not  like  the fact that our departure hurt others. But we couldn’t continue to be wounded over and over again.

I have received messages and comments about my recent articles about the IFB with their concerns about my story, that somehow I’m tarnishing the IFB movement as a whole. I am very sorry they view my story that way.

Allow me to clarify a few things.

I do not believe ALL IFB churches physically or sexually abuse people.

I do not believe ALL IFB churches cover up their crimes.

If there is a leader in an IFB church who is mentally or spiritually abusive I do not believe everyone in that church is.

What I will say is this:

I believe the IFB doctrine is abusive. I believe it to be unbiblical in a lot of ways. I believe it is spiritually abusive and when you put an abusive person in a leadership position behind that doctrine, it heightens the abuse.

Why did I stay in the IFB for nearly 15 years?

I was young, alone, a marriage on the rocks, and no where to go. I learned etiquette, boundaries, and how to work hard.

The women who embraced me, loved me, supported me, they became my sisters. Eventually my husband went into treatment and his life turned around. We had a triumphant reconciliation in our marriage. All glory to God. We both were faithfully involved in the church, our kids were in their school, and we both took their two year bible school. Our lives were heavily involved in and wrapped around the church.

So what happened?

Over the years we saw a progression of questionable things happening. Not only were we seeing continual and habitual problems with some of the leadership, but the schedule of the church programs were so busy that our lives outside the church almost ceased to exist. There was no time to be a family. Everything about the church had become our lives. Over the course of our last ten years there, we watched as hundreds of families quit attending that church, staff members abruptly leaving without notice, others leaving and moving out of state, and all with the same ‘hush hush’ treatment. We were told not to ask about those families and not to discuss their departure with anyone.

Then a teen girl was violated by a youth pastor.

At the time we were told he was fired and that the police were handling it.

The pastor held one meeting with the adults and all teens 7th grade and higher. Children were escorted to another building with an elderly couple.

We were told that this man had violated a girl. Her name was not mentioned, but we were told not to discuss it with anyone.

During the course of this meeting, with each statement the pastor made, another teen girl sat nearby and kept gasping and turning to her mom saying, “but mom!” with astonishment. Her mother kept hushing her. Again he would make another statement to which this girl again, gasped, “but MOM!!”, her mother hushed her again. Another statement was made and the girl again, and increasingly upset, gasped and insisted, “BUT MOM!!!” Her mother silenced her one last time and told her to remain quiet.

After that incident the trust among the people and the leader began to diminish. We were all on edge. Suspicion was high. The people, regardless of what the pastor said, continued to talk about it and stories flew through the church like wildfire.

The church had become spiritually ill.

We saw many families suffer from adultery, pornography, alcoholism, drug addiction, prescription drug abuse, homosexuality among the youth, promiscuity among girls, teen girls cutting, anorexia, bulimia, teen pregnancy, and a lot of bullying among the girls.

While we realize these things are not uncommon in the world today and even among churches, we could no longer remain in this environment.

It was no longer a “hospital of healing” for us. It had become a battle ground of infectious disease that was only getting worse.

We love the people and we pray for their healing, but we could no longer grow there. Our lives were shriveling and we were suffering from this illness.

Trying to hide and control this infection was only creating gangrene and we had to amputate ourselves from it.

My husband has had gangrene before. He almost lost his leg because of it. He had refused to go to the doctor after a motorcycle accident. Hiding an injury doesn’t bring healing. You can cover it, but it continues to fester and it spreads infection through the whole body. The injury needs to be exposed and treated by a doctor and his team of nurses.

When a church is infected, covering things don’t bring healing.

When my marriage was infected, hiding it was’t bringing healing.

Allowing ourselves to be humble, reach out for help, and see The Doctor is where healing begins.

When a pastor and his staff try to cover an injury, mask it with a few anti-biotics, and cover it with a bandage, isn’t going to bring healing.

Miss Jane Doe wasn’t the same person after all that. Her little life was sucked out of her as she tried to persevere and get through her remaining years in the school. She graduated and moved on. We didn’t see her again for a long time.

This last December the public records showed a Jane Doe had filed a civil suit against the pastor, that youth pastor, and the church.

It only took a few seconds to search his name to discover he only spent 3 days in jail before he left the state.

The infection hasn’t healed. The pain still haunts people. The wound is going to be exposed and even in that exposing, people are deeply wounded by many other ‘illnesses’ that are festering in that same place.

I love the people and I pray each of them can find healing.

The root causes has to be dug out from the source and I trust the lawyers and judge will handle part of that root system.

This story is not a pretty glittery telling.

This story is a tragedy.

But how can we find the Gospel in this story?

For our family the redemption of the Lord was when He took us out of there.

The church itself has a few more months before this story goes to court.

I pray for them, but we do not want to go back.

Our redemption story is in our own healing and in our future as we serve the Lord and embrace our community with grace and love. Our story is continually unfolding as we walk through this life in Christ. We walk with a limp. Sometimes our scars are seen. We can’t hide them, but we can reveal them to show the glory of the Lord. He is our Doctor and our Healer.

Jane Doe has scars, but she flies with wings as eagles, because she dwells under the shadow of the Almighty.

Is there a telling in the future for those responsible?

I hope so. I pray that those people can find redemption, but they will need to face justice first.

There’s mercy in humility. There’s redemption in brokenness. There’s grace in exposure.

And love never ends.

A hurting church is wounded and needs prayer. Would you please pray for all these that remained?

Filed Under: Healing, Spiritual Abuse Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
« Older Posts